ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
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Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.