My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
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Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Saturday
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate