“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
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My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.