What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
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(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
I wore a training bra for years and these things still don’t listen to a word I say
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.