15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
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Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Oceanography is all about current events
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.