How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
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I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves