Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
👾👾👾