[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
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if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate