i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
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I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
I like when the doctor says nice things about me (cool shoes) and I don’t like when the doctor says mean things about me (bad cholesterol, need more exercise, drink less, actually the shoes suck)
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.