Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
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JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
The easiest way to bust outta the joint is to methodically carve a bar of soap from a gun you purloined from a deputy, & then throw the fake soap onto the floor of your cell. When the guard comes to pick it up (it’s a safety hazard), simply run past them & away to the mountains
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.