#ProTip
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me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
Fidel Castro was alive?
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*