Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
You Might Also Like
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you