I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
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doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.