Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
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Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok