76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
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The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂