Put this video in the Louvre
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I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does