FOUND: 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED RATS LIVING IN LOCAL DUMPSTER.
PLEASE CONTACT IF YOUR 17 AGGRESSIVE DISEASED PET RATS ARE MISSING.
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I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
The pizza delivery guys say “see you tomorrow” to everyone, right?
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”