If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
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taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.