My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
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“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine