[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
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Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me