He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.