5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
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This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
True freaking story!
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Seals are just dog mermaids.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?