I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
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FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
Merica.
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.