Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
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time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Meow
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager