Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
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“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
I’m about to risk it all
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to