The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
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I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.