He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
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The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
364 days a year: Kids, don’t take candy or rides from strangers.
1 day a year: Go trick or treat in that rich neighborhood. Take an Über.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.