I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
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Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.