[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
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This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :