11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
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Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
My background check bounced.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
sugar glider wrangler
Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Breaking news:
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?