When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
You Might Also Like
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof