The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
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{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
This hospital has everything
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
Daughter: I drew a picture of you
Me: where’s my big muscles?
Daughter: *looks at me up and down* good question
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.