A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
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– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.