[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
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GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Can Happiness buy money?
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer