Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
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Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
this has to be peak English
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ