The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
You Might Also Like
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
*puts cutlery down*
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?