Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
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Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.