Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
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my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.