Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
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My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
how much does a mortician urn in a year
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
If you are in the market for a new fridge just know that my 4yo makes more ice pretending to be Elsa than my four year old Samsung refrigerator.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that