Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
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me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
Love is always patient and kind.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.