Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
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Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
honestly, i need both:
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.