[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
You Might Also Like
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.