If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
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Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
papa cloud: alright little fella, no more diapers
little cloud: *tinkling over desert*
papa: no no no! rainforest, buddy, rainforest!!
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
TRAIN’S HERE
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
bad
worse
worst
worchester
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Am I having a stroke?
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.