See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
You Might Also Like
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Chicago sounds lovely.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
For anyone interested, you’ll find my complete Windows 8.1 review below:
Still sucks.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
cat: *rolls over on back* pet my belly
me: no i know this is a trap
cat:
me:
cat:
me: fine *goes to pet belly*
cat: *claws & bites my hand* hahah have some scratches, as a treat you stupid idiot
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Meowchelangelo
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I told my 8yo to stop fighting with her sister, and she said “I’ll stop fighting with my sister when you stop fighting with yours.”
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)