I mean…but I did
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June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
“Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“I said… Here’s Ted with the weather.”
“…”
“Ted?”
“THAT’s what an unanswered text feels like, Sue.”
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday