i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
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Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Name this drama.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I’d love this…lol
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
Love is always patient and kind.
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it