Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
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Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me