Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
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My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
“That’s what” – She
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
be careful
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you