What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
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My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
The Friday File.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city