Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
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I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation
lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly
god: lol ok
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
“Rapunzel, Rapunzel let down your hair!”
*A long strand of smelly hair falls out the tower*
“Screw this!”
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary